"I'm not your pal, buddy!"

Last week, a few Gentlemen, a coworker, and I had the unique privilege of taking in a Maryland Terrapins basketball game. Percy had 4 tickets and a parking pass to the Maryland-FSU game so we decided to take him up on this economic free-ride opportunity. I will describe the experiences of the game later, but first, I'd like to share a social interaction I had with a fellow ticket-holder.

Our seats were in the 2nd row of upper deck corner opposite Florida State's bench, pretty good area especially for the price of Free.99. At half-time, my coworker and I began a long discussion about career-related issues that would continue well into the second half. Two gentlemen in front of us left their seats at half to enjoy the $10 nachos and Terrapin Pretzels. As our discussion progressed, I eased into my seat and put my feet up on the back of the chair directly in front of me, not realizing that 18% of my left foot was on the one guy's jacket. 10 minutes later, I was so engaged in federal software contracting talk that I assumed the fellows had left the game, not realizing how much time had actually passed since they left their seats. However, with about a minute before the start of the 2nd half, they returned. As I saw them wiggle their way down the row towards their seats, I realized that I was invading their space and promptly removed my feet from the chair. When they got closer, and before they even had a chance to say anything to me, I said "Oh I'm sorry, sir" and removed my feet. As realized the assault for which I looked guilty, he clutched his jacket, pointed out a trivial trace of dirt on his sleeve, and said "Gee, thanks pal."

"Gee, thanks pal". Did he not just walk himself into a response that bears the title of this post! At that point, I was so shocked that he even said something like this that I had no response other than a pathetic "what?" to which he did not answer. As the men took their seats and watched the Terps beat up on the Seminoles in the second half, I slouched in embarrassment - not because of what I DID, but what I DID'NT say. Larry David is not just funny to me, he is someone I aspire to become. Why could I not come up with a better response when this guy called me  "pal"?! I thought to myself that I am never going to get another chance to so easily respond to someone with something like, "I'm not your pal, buddy!" and that greatly depressed me. As we drove home that night, I gathered the broken pieces of my emotion and tried to think optimistically about my future of socially awkward moments. One word will summarize that moment and haunt me for the rest of time... regret.



As for the game - The Terps won 78-62 on the heels of some great shooting and better defense in the second half. They currently sit at 18-11 (7-7 ACC) which will give them #7 seed in the ACC tournament. They will likely need to run the table in Georgia Dome to qualify for the NCAA Tournament.

The highlight of halftime, other than the jacket incident, was the Maryland B-Terps. We couldn't tell from our seats if the kids were white or asian, but thankfully we were able to confirm our guesses. College Park was a neat little town but I wouldn't even send my worst enemies for a walk on the outskirts of campus at 3AM.

Overall the game was a blast. But, regret is something that few people should ever feel. If it happens to you, move on. Look to the future and recognize the opportunities when you might have the chance to socially p'wn someone. If not, you will be a fool like me.

~Geno.

The Virginia Gentlemen Endorse: Hypertheticals

There are no shortage of ways to get a party started: a favorite beverage, choice tunes, or some fly dance moves.  However, an oft-overlooked method is a game.  An inexpensive option that we recommend is Hypertheticals.  Written by the pop culture essayist Chuck Klosterman, who you might also know from his epic turns on Bill Simmons' B.S. Report, Hypertheticals its a set of fifty cards with creative hypothetical questions that lead to very interesting conversations.  It's like "Would you rather?" but far more clever.  If you like Klosterman's work in general or getting to know your friends and repeated acquaintances better, Hypertheticals delivers.  There's not much more I can say about the game, as my fellow Gentlemen are preparing a round of Old Fashioneds and for a few rounds of the game.

Highly recommended.  Far more than Klosterman's novel.

Dad Rock Hall of Fame: Fleetwood Mac

After reading the list on McSweeney's yesterday about what your tastes in classic rock say about you (which I highly recommend), I felt compelled to act on a blog idea that I had been letting marinate for a bit -- a series of posts in defense of "Dad Rock."  Although I can't give you solid parameters of the genre outside of "music (probably soft rock) that your dad likes," it's like what Potter Stewart said about obscenity: you know it when you see it.

I had been thinking a lot about Fleetwood Mac lately after waking up to "Hold Me" on the clock radio last weekend and realizing that I had largely forgotten about them.  Not listening to the radio in the car and a never getting around to completely replenishing my hard drive after it died played a large part in this, but I maintain that the band is great and deserving of recognition as the inaugural inductee into the Dad Rock Hall of Fame.

Although even the band's most ardent supporters would not classify their work as high art, Fleetwood Mac got a lot of things right.  They captured the West Coast sound in ways that so many others have tried to emulate and sold tens of millions of records.  A big key to this success (and a vastly underrated hallmark of so many great bands) was having multiple lead singers -- the three-headed monster of Lindsay Buckingham, Stevie Nicks, and Christine McVie -- each of which had their own distinct style.  Not only did they make some big time jams, they pretty much all had coke problems and slept with one another, which was the emotional catalyst of their biggest album, Rumours (although I think their self-titled album, the first with Buckingham and Nicks, was their best).  It's like if Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice were one of the greatest American (yes, they were British/American but their success came after the Americans joined) rock bands.

Young Stevie Nicks -- a total babe and proof that you can only get two out of three.

With that said, here's some of my favorite Fleetwood Mac jams:

1) Christine McVie's "Say You Love Me" from Fleetwood Mac (1975)

2) Stevie Nicks's "Dreams" from Rumours (1977)





3) Lindsey Buckingham's "Go Your Own Way" from Rumours

4) Stevie Nicks's "Rhiannon" from Fleetwood Mac






5) Lindsey Buckingham's "The Chain" from Rumours



Other jams worth looking up include, but are not limited to: "Tusk," "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow," "You Make Loving Fun," "Gold Dust Woman," "Gypsy," and "Everywhere."

--J.J. Gittes

One for the kids

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

He's Heating Up!

If you were a normal kid and grew up playing NBA Jam for n64 and grew into an adult who has a passion for throwback NBA jerseys, then this post is for you.

A big part of being a bro, in which I take great pride, is attire. Typical bro gear can include any combination of the following: flat brimmed hats, lax pinneys, mid-calf black socks, boat shoes, turf dogs, brown flip flops, knockoff wayfarer sunglasses, croakies for the sunglasses, and of course throwback NBA jerseys. For the sake of blog space, and suspense, I will only touch on the NBA jerseys today and save the rest for later, or my new startup company brogear.com.

Here is my top 10 for the best NBA throwback jerseys to own if you're looking to spice up your wardrobe as the summer approaches:

10. "Thunder" Dan Marjele. #9 Phoenix Suns.



Thunder Dan should be included in the book Stuff White People Like, if he's not already in the expanded edition that should come out soon. Marjele's travel shown above has millions of YouTube hits, proving his popularity among 20something nerds like me. In 1993, Marjele was voted a starter in the NBA All-Star Game by the fans, the first time ever that a player was a starter for an All-Star team without even starting own his own team.

9. Jeff Hornacek. #14 Utah Jazz.
Hornacek's jersey is the epitome of the notion that it's cool to own jerseys of lesser known NBA players. You could argue that it would be cooler to have Hornacek's gruesome two-some mate, John Stockton, but everyone still remembers Stockton. Let's face it, these old Jazz jerseys are great. And you have to give props to Hornacek's contributions during the golden years of Jazz basketball.

8. Larry Bird. #33 Boston Celtics.
I know what your thinking..."this guy totally contradicts himself with this selection". And you're right. But this list would be incomplete without Bird. People literally think he was the reincarnation of Christ on the court calling him the Basketball Jesus. He is also widely respected in how he represented the Caucasian race and the East coast during his rivalry with Magic Johnson. Plus he has this awesome commercial with Johnson where he just clowns on him. That deserves a spot on this list.

7. Tom Gugliotta. #24 Minnesota Timberwolves.
Gugliotta is an authority in "NBA Jam". Like, seriously, it's almost impossible to beat him. Googs also starred under Jim Valvano at NC State so he certainly has been gifted with the inspirational words of Valvano throughout his career.

6. Cliff Robinson. #3 Portland Trailblazers.
No, this is not the same Cliff Robinson that played for the Nets. This Cliff Robinson was lucky enough to sport these sweet Blazers jerseys. Robinson was given the 1992-1993 NBA 6th Man award. I can really identify with him because I used to come off the bench myself and contribute valuable minutes (in the 5th quarter). He is also currently holding the #8 spot on the list of "longest NBA careers" in terms of games played...he really wanted to use that longevity to get on this list.

5. Bryant "Big Country" Reeves. #50 Vancouver Grizzlies.
First of all, it's incredibly cool to own jerseys of teams that don't even exist anymore (see also, later in this list). Second, much like Googs, Big Country is an absolute force in "NBA Jam". A word to anyone who might dust off their n64 after reading this post..if you go up against Reeves, don't even attempt layups or anything close to the rim because he'll swat you every time.

4. Dominique Wilkins. #21 Atlanta Hawks.
Ok, this was a real tossup. Between Wilkins, Mookie Blaylock, and Spudd Webb, I had to pick one to be on this list since these old Hawk jerseys are outrageous. What really won Wilkins the spot was that he competed in 5 dunk contests throughout his career, winning 2 (1 over Jordan). Who cares if he never won a league title, the guy was a show.

3. Larry "Grandmamma" Johnson. #2 Charlotte Hornets.
This falls under the "teams that don't exist anymore" category. And much like Wilkins, I had to include one of the 90's Hornets stars on here. Seriously, who didn't like the Hornets growing up? Find me that person so I can fight him/her.

2. Shawn Kemp. #40 Seattle Supersonics.
I was also a huge fan of the Sonics when I was a kid. I actually liked Gary Payton more than Kemp but there are reasons that Kemp made this list over Payton. Kemp has a long history of arrests relating to cocaine and weapons possession. He is also reportedly the father of AT LEAST 7 children. And he recently starred in an episode of Pros vs. Joes.

1. "Pistol" Pete Maravich. #7 Atlanta Hawks.
Go look up his stats. Enough said.


~ Geno.

The Arcade Who?

With Arcade Fire taking home Album of the Year at the Grammys last night, I've received e-mails and texts from a number of friends who a) knew that I liked them, b) had no idea who they were, and c) wanted to know more.

So I'll start by saying this: yes, they're an "indie" band in that you won't hear them on the radio (NPR-type stations excluded), but they're about as popular and mainstream as indie bands get.  They've been immensely successful over their relatively short career -- always a critical darling, but increasingly commercially successful, too.  They've sold out Madison Square Garden (full-length concert video here).  They've been on SNL multiple times.  They've opened for U2 and played with Bowie and The Boss.  The Suburbs debuted at number one on the Billboard charts this past summer.  These are all characteristics of a band that would lead you to believe had Album of the Year type stuff.  It's not like they're playing in an alley near some abandoned warehouse -- they make big songs that sound great in big venues, and there will always be a place in rock and roll for those types of bands (see: early U2 and Springsteen).

With that said, the following videos are meant to serve as an Arcade Fire primer of sorts for those who have asked me to for some sort of recommendation (but are all certainly worthy of everyone's time):

"Wake Up" from Funeral (2004)
Stop me if you've heard this one before:


"Rebellion (Lies)" from Funeral


"Keep the Car Running" from Neon Bible (2007)


"Intervention" from Neon Bible


"Ready to Start" from The Suburbs (2010)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Arcade Fire - Ready to Start
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

"City With No Children" from The Suburbs



"We Used to Wait" from The Suburbs
Check out The Wilderness Downtown for an interactive music video that I thought was one of the coolest things I saw last year, especially if your childhood homestead has been graced by Google Maps.

So there you have it: the world's biggest rock band of the moment.  Hope you enjoyed it, and even if you didn't, say your piece in the comments section.

--J.J. Gittes

Berks Catholic _______ ??

Although it had been clear for quite some time that Berks County could not sufficiently support two Catholic high schools, I was saddened yesterday to hear that my alma mater, Holy Name High School, would no longer exist in its current form after merging with archrival Central Catholic.  The "new" school, which will be at the current Holy Name site, will be called Berks Catholic.  Even though some of my fellow alumni aren't thrilled with the new name, I'm fairly ambivalent.  Generally there are two routes when it comes to naming Catholic high schools: 1) [Geographic Location] Catholic or 2) [Former Bishop/Pope] High.  To me, there wasn't a slam dunk name that was the obvious correct choice, although I suppose Reading Catholic would be equally fine.  I'm as sad as anybody that the school will no longer be "Holy Name," but keeping the name would be patently insensitive to the Central Catholic community that we're trying to welcome.  And once the boys' basketball or football teams, which in all likelihood are going to be among the bigger AA schools, make deep runs in the county and/or state tournaments, nobody is going to care about two different communities playing together at the same school.  I'm not saying that the current situation is equal to (or anywhere as important) as integration by any means, but if we learned anything from the Titans, it's that athletic success solves a lot of problems with creating a new community.

However, what really matters to me about the transition is this -- the nickname and mascot.  Having a cool school nickname makes all the difference in how you perceive a school.  I love going to George Mason and their basketball team is killing it right now, but their color scheme, logo, and nickname is just awful.  I'm borderline embarrassed to own any GMU gear.

C'mon, man.

In the spirit of improving the new school, I'm opening up the comments section to suggestions for mascots for the new Berks Catholic.  A point of clarification before is needed, as the following nicknames are currently in use by other local schools: Mountaineers (Antietam H.S.), Bears (Boyertown H.S.),  Bullets (Brandywine Heights H.S.), Scouts (Conrad Weiser H.S.), Blazers (Daniel Boone H.S.),  Eagles (Exeter H.S.), Tigers (Fleetwood H.S.), Mustangs (Governor Mifflin H.S.), Hawks (Hamburg H.S.), Cougars (Kutztown H.S.), Muhls (Muhlenberg H.S.), Lynx (Oley Valley H.S.), Red Knights (Reading H.S.), Panthers (Schuylkill Valley H.S.), Trojans (Tulpehocken H.S.), Raiders (Twin Valley H.S.), Bulldogs (Wilson H.S.), Spartans (Wyomissing H.S.).

Here are some suggestions I've thought of--some borderline serious, others not so serious.

The Birds of War

With Holy Name as the Blue Jays and Central Catholic as the Cardinals, the Birds of War makes all the sense in the world.  It continues the avian theme while allowing for an awesome fight song.  Take flight with the Birds of War, indeed.

The Boxcar Boys
With Reading's proud railroad past, this isn't a bad start.  Its obvious shortcoming is that Berks Catholic will be a coed school, which means we may have to accept an alternative -- the Boxcar Children.  If nothing else, our students will have excellent mystery-solving skills, a lost art among today's youth.  Something along the lines of Railsplitters could work here, too.

The Inquisition
A very cool yet underused device is a nickname that doesn't have a physical mascot counterpart (think of Alabama's Crimson Tide).  The Inquisition is a distinctly Catholic phenomenon, albeit not our proudest moment by any stretch of the imagination.  However, having a mascot with a resplendent mustache and pointy goatee would make for the best use of mascot facial hair since the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo:

Pretzels
Reading is known for its many brands of pretzels, all of them salty, delicious, and terrible for you.  And plus, what self-respecting Simpsons fan wouldn't want to incorporate the legendary phrase "And here come the pretzels!"



So there's my suggestions.  What are yours?

--J.J. Gittes

Valentine's Weekend Jams: A Special Gittes/Dreamboat Collaboration

If there's one thing folks know about the Dreamboat and me, it's that we're gentlemen of refinement and distinction, not unlike the Old Spice guy, and music enthusiasts.  With Valentine's Day nearly upon us, we thought we'd help those lovebirds out there with some choice musical selections to serve as the soundtrack for your weekend festivities.

Minnie Riperton “Inside My Love”


Leon Haywood “I Wanna Do Something Freaky to You”


Tyrone Davis “In the Mood”


Teddy Pendergrass “Love TKO”


Isley Brothers “Between the Sheets”


--J.J. Gittes and the Dreamboat

Dan Aykroyd: True Canadian Hero

First, let me answer what I know you are probably thinking - yes, Dan Aykroyd is from Canada. He was born in Ottawa.

Now since that is taken care of, I would like to share my thoughts and overwhleming adoration for whom I consider to be one of the more underrated, underappreciated comedic actors of all time (well, from about 1980 - 1995).

My affinity for Mr. Aykroyd began about midway through college. I had seen a few of his movies and SNL skits by this time in my life, but had never truly appreciated his acting repertoire until I saw Nothing But Trouble. I give large amounts of praise to one of my college roommates who shared this hidden gem with me during our sophomore year. Since then, he and I have both had overwhelming support of all things Dan A. and would spend countless hours reciting his quotes from masterpieces like: The Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, The Great Outdoors, Coneheads, Trading Places and the SNL skit Two Wild and Crazy Guys with Steve Martin.

Nothing But Trouble is a film of which few are aware. But anyone with a soft spot for Aykroyd's antics will surely find this flick fantastic. Aykroyd's knack for spewing several incoherent, explicitly long, unconnectable words is certainly apparent in this classic. But because my movie review skills are completely inferior to one, Matt Dreamboat, I'll stop there and instead offer you the IDMB plot summary verbatim (please note that Tupac is also in this movie):

"A businessman (Chevy Chase) finds he and his friends the prisoners of a sadistic judge (Dan Aykroyd) and his equally odd family in the backwoods of a bizarre mansion."

I would be remiss if I failed to mention a couple of my favorite lines from the Judge himself:

"Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today? JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!"


"Hula hula hula. Bula bula bula. Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now. Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!"


I wont go into much more detail regarding any of the other aformentioned movies. I just hope the people who read this will give a try at queuing up their Netflix for Nothing But Trouble and any other Aykroyd flicks you haven't seen. It will open up your creative mind and make you wonder why today's comedies aren't nearly as good. 


So what is Aykroyd up to these days?

• Making his own wine
• Making his own vodka
• Studying UFO's
• Making music

To summarize, if you are looking impress friends at a party with some great movie lines that no one has ever heard of, I would highly suggest running through the filmography of Dan Aykroyd and catching the unforgettable one-liners from which his Hollywood career was created.


~Geno

In Defense of Neil Young, Cholos, and Paul Bunyan...

Winter is the season that everyone loves to hate, except for folks who think snow is magical (and, not so coincidentally, have never had to shovel the stuff).  The days are cold, short, and generally miserable.  However, the beauty of the season is this: it's not only acceptable to walk around the house or around town dressed like Neil Young, it's actually encouraged.  So, with that in mind, I'd like to highlight a few pieces that help make the best of an awful season.

Boots

As much as I love my boat shoes, they just don't provide the protection against the elements (that and my unwillingness to wear socks) that one needs in winter.  Boots provide an excellent cold-weather alternative for situations where casual, non-sneaker footwear is called for.  For those with a ton of disposable income ($300 worth), what better way to stomp around the neighborhood than in a pair of handsome Red Wing Gentleman Travelers?  They look great with a pair of jeans or courduroys, will last forever if properly cared for, and are rugged, yet urbane. 

The Gentleman Travelers

However, for those bros among us who haven't quite reached baller status quite yet (myself included), a pair of desert boots provide a great alternative at a fraction of the cost ($85 or so).  Clarks Desert Boots are like Wayfarers, Levi's, and low-top white sneakers -- classics that never go out of style.  Although they come in suede, I prefer the leather, as they're easier to clean and take care of and the beeswax sole is just too cool for school.  Desert Boots also go great with anything (jeans, khakis, cords) and, like certain people's mothers, look better with age.  

Yes, please.

Having covered more casual boots, it's time to talk about the pair that you'll need to wear when it's wet, no matter the season.  When you're trudging to class or shoveling snow, you place a premium on function over form.  However, there's another classic piece of footwear that provides both -- the Bean Boot.  Bean Boots (also known generically as "duck boots") have been around forever, and there's a good chance that you and/or your parents own a pair or have owned a pair at one time or another.  They're warm and comfortable, they look great on men and women (they also come in a variety of heights), and they last a long time, especially for an inexpensive shoe.  

Stuff white people like.

Flannel Shirts

They're not just for paper towel salesman, lumberjacks, cholos, or burnouts.  A flannel shirt's fit makes all the difference in the world.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but something more tailored (as incidentally seen here) will keep your friends' Paul Bunyan jokes to a minimum.  Take it from Neil, flannel shirts are still as cool today as they were forty years ago.  Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

Stephen Stills and Neil Young

-- J.J. Gittes

Is that a microphone in your pocket?

Arms length reach while rocking back and forth, voice cracking, acne, and maybe even your first kiss. If there was ever a school sponsored event that forced you into that brick wall known as puberty more than any other, it was the jr. high dance.  My dad used to call them "The Hormone Pit" and that's probably the greatest description ever.  To bring back some of those great mental images some of us may have buried into the back of our memory banks, never wanting to think about every again, here are the top 11 slow songs of the late 1990's (because I couldn't pick only 10!) to take us back. With video evidence of course.

Edwin McCain - I'll be

Another artist I couldn't tell you the first thing about but click the link and the memories of metal in your mouth and Old Navy performance fleece will hit you like yuppies converging on a new Apple product.

Spice Girls - 2 Become 1
Who could argue with a girl band that wore giant platform heel boots and inspired legions of cross dressers:

Backstreet Boys - I'll Never Break Your Heart
Just watch the music video, it screams jr. high...and America.  Look at those sweaters!

K-Ci and JoJo - All My Life
Good luck watching this video without remembering that cutie who sat behind you in Social Studies and wore a tube top to the Spring Fling dance.

Enrique Iglesias - Hero
A man that snags a girl like this must have made a hit 7th grade make out song.  He sure did.

S Club 7 - Never Had a Dream Come True

My personal favorite and from a band from over the pond that features a few babes and even a dude who kinda looks like a babe.  I always sought out that true special lady to share a dance when I heard the d.j. drop this jam.

All 4 One - I Swear
A band that I couldn't tell you a single thing about.  Though I do know enough words to this song that I could karaoke well enough to not get booed off stage, which for me is terribly difficult.

Tony Braxton - Unbreak My Heart
The video has some major eye candy for the guys and the ladies, take a look and try to tell me you don't agree.  Just try!

Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing 

Who can deny the power of these puckers!

Brian McKnight - Back at One
This one hits me right where it counts...the heart.

N*SYNC - (God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You

With a title that long, you know the song will go on forever and give you an extra minute or two to muster up that courage to plant one on that lucky partner of yours.  Though it's a little strange making out to a song that was supposedly inspired by Justin, Joey, Lance, JC, and Chris's moms.

Disagree with me? Have a song that I forgot? Hit me up in the comments section below and maybe I'll show you some love back.

~ Percy T

Undisputed 3: Our generation's Citizen Kane

The first of what will hopefully be a recurring segment here at the VA Gentlemen Blog, movie reviews by our resident and long time movie critic...Dreamboat.  For those of you who are not familiar with Dream, he is a man of simple pleasures.  He loves beef jerky, video games, and...well...is probably the greatest appreciator of this:

Enough introduction, you'll get to know him soon enough.  Without further ado... 

If you are wondering whether you need to have seen Undisputed 1 or 2 to understand what is happening in Undisputed 3, the answer is no. In fact, I’d recommend not seeing them. I’d recommend unlearning any of your knowledge of mixed martial arts. And I’d definitely forget anything you thought you knew about post-Soviet state correctional facility prison fighting tournaments (I smell a great premise for a Locked Up Abroad episode).

Undisputed 3 tells the tale of Yuri Boyka, the most fit janitor ever and self-proclaimed “world’s greatest prison fighter” (wow Yuri, brag much?), fighting his way through a single-elimination prison fighting tournament against representatives from across the globe. It’s basically Punch-Out meets The Quest (please tell me I’m not the only one to have seen this movie) times Shawshank Redemption. Seriously, there’s even a budding black guy-white guy friendship. But Red Redding and Andy Dufresne these two are not.

Every character we meet at the “maximum security prison” (it’s literally called that in the film), is some sort of stereotype. I say “some sort”, because there are obvious stereotypes in this film, and then there are those that teach you something new about a culture and/or make you yell “WTF?” For instance, you have the fat Italian Mafioso with a New York accent, a Korean who utilizes taekwondo, a Brazilian fighting with capoeira, an African-American who fights during rap music – cultural clichés we’re all familiar with. Then, you have the weird ones, like a testy Columbian in a Georgian prison who uses steroids and likes to read. There was no background or reasoning provided for any of his behavior. What sort of fascinating philosophical literature were you reading anyways? The director features the Columbian's book so prominently and never expands on it. Are we to respect the Columbian for being well-read? Or hate him for cheating? Tell me how to feel, director man! That leads me to my next complaint. The character types are so conflicting to the viewer in this “film”. Do we root for the moody protagonist or the annoying American? This mixed bag of emotions we feel doesn't happen because this film is a thought-provoking mind-f*ck featuring excellent direction. It happens because the character development is so lazy and incomplete.

Actually, that can be said about the entire movie as a whole. I didn’t go in expecting Academy Award-winning stuff from a movie I’m almost positive went straight to DVD, but, c’mon guys. If you have the time to film impressive and complicated fight scenes (and they were), take your time with the filler, too. I get the feeling the director assumed everyone would just fast-forward to the fighting and skip the rest of his movie. He fails to explain a lot of things, even though ridiculously expository dialogue would not have been out of place at Maximum Security Prison. Fast-forwarding will save you some time, but the filler parts are where things get fun. After looking what I wrote down during this film, you will see what I mean.

Hotel Deluxe – Best Fake Hotel Name Ever. No, I'm not a movie reviewer, but I did stay at a Hotel Deluxe last night

The Italian guy is eating a Panini

Even the prison death fight circuit is rampant with steroid abuse

The black guy’s name is Turbo and they play rap when he fights

If he injects his neck with steroids, why did they give him a tourniquet? For jerking it? Of course.

Magic flowers that heel your bum knee found at a prison labor rock-breaking facility – WTF?

To say Undisputed 3 is a good movie would be a discredit to other movies I think are good.  But it’s not all bad, either. It was fun. It’s so bad it was good, but certainly not on purpose. Undisputed 3 is a cheeseburger with donuts for buns: Some parts of it are awesome, though they don’t work that well together, you won’t eat it again, and you won’t brag that you did.

Stay Classy Internets,

~ Dreamboat

Dear landlord...

After suffering the misfortune of having a tree fall on some power lines in our backyard last week, we had to send our landlord the always well received "hey come do something about this" e-mail.  Since that day, we've been thinking about what kind of horrible message we would never want to see if we were in the shoes of Janet and Tom.

- Dear Janet, we decided to turn the dining room into a sand volleyball court.  Now there seems to be some sort of an ant problem and John in the basement keeps complaining about stuff getting in his eye when he is sleeping.  Please call the exterminator.  thx

- Dear Janet, What age do children have to be to put on Cirque du Soleil type shows and we charge a cover?  Think it's cool if we improvise with midgets instead?

- Dear Janet, so a slip and slide from the top floor might have been a bad idea.  Any chance we can make the front porch handicap accessible for J.J. for the new few months?  Also, there might be a few sagging floor boards from a tiny bit of water damage.

- Dear Janet, the tech bros next door ran through our fence.  It's definitely broken but they fixed it with a coat hanger because they are engineers.

- Dear Janet, if we wanted to open a "Kitty Castle" like the one we see occasionally on late night Cinemax, are zoning permits required?

- Dear Janet, a tree feel down in the backyard on some power lines.  Can you get us a chain saw so we can cut this shit down?

- So you aren't allowed to have fires in the backyard now?  Firefighters weren't too happy about last Tuesday.  Good news is that you won't have to cut the grass for a while.

- Dear Janet, we recently rented out the basement to 7 or 8 homeless dudes.  It turns out that they are not good tenants.  I would even say terrible.  The bathroom smells, they try to pay the rent with 8 month old People magazines, and they have had several soup kitchens in my car.  Please advise us how to be better landlords.

- Dear Janet, what does the lease say about pro wrestling tournaments on the property?  Let me follow up with the fact that we have really great tights with boots outfits planned.

~ Percy T