Dear landlord...

After suffering the misfortune of having a tree fall on some power lines in our backyard last week, we had to send our landlord the always well received "hey come do something about this" e-mail.  Since that day, we've been thinking about what kind of horrible message we would never want to see if we were in the shoes of Janet and Tom.

- Dear Janet, we decided to turn the dining room into a sand volleyball court.  Now there seems to be some sort of an ant problem and John in the basement keeps complaining about stuff getting in his eye when he is sleeping.  Please call the exterminator.  thx

- Dear Janet, What age do children have to be to put on Cirque du Soleil type shows and we charge a cover?  Think it's cool if we improvise with midgets instead?

- Dear Janet, so a slip and slide from the top floor might have been a bad idea.  Any chance we can make the front porch handicap accessible for J.J. for the new few months?  Also, there might be a few sagging floor boards from a tiny bit of water damage.

- Dear Janet, the tech bros next door ran through our fence.  It's definitely broken but they fixed it with a coat hanger because they are engineers.

- Dear Janet, if we wanted to open a "Kitty Castle" like the one we see occasionally on late night Cinemax, are zoning permits required?

- Dear Janet, a tree feel down in the backyard on some power lines.  Can you get us a chain saw so we can cut this shit down?

- So you aren't allowed to have fires in the backyard now?  Firefighters weren't too happy about last Tuesday.  Good news is that you won't have to cut the grass for a while.

- Dear Janet, we recently rented out the basement to 7 or 8 homeless dudes.  It turns out that they are not good tenants.  I would even say terrible.  The bathroom smells, they try to pay the rent with 8 month old People magazines, and they have had several soup kitchens in my car.  Please advise us how to be better landlords.

- Dear Janet, what does the lease say about pro wrestling tournaments on the property?  Let me follow up with the fact that we have really great tights with boots outfits planned.

~ Percy T